


Natural

by lesbianettes



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Beginnings, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Gentle Kissing, Gentleness, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Transphobia, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani is an Incurable Romantic, Kissing, M/M, Menstruation, Stealth!Nicky, Tenderness, Trans!Nicky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25700068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianettes/pseuds/lesbianettes
Summary: It happens sometimes. But Yusuf is not disgusted with him.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 18
Kudos: 421





	Natural

It’s been some fifty odd years since they began to travel together. Nicolo’s body has not yet decided what it is, how it feels, and he spends the majority of his time free from its restrictions, or at least distanced enough to not ache. With Yusuf, very few things matter. He can forget it all, even if the shame beaten against his skin sometimes returns in the dark of night. They’re slowly edging toward something. At least, Nicolo thinks so, because otherwise he has no explanation for the careful way Yusuf holds him or the gentle press of his lips to Nicolo’s hands and cheeks. 

Today, as the sun rises, he aches and knows that it has returned. After the first few dozen deaths, it liked to fade, and comes back once or twice a year with a vengeance. He wonders if maybe it’ll stop, eventually, but for now, it returns to him and reminds him of everything he tries to forget in Yusuf’s arms. As a child, he burned with it. Curled up on a cot, crying in pain, as his mother held him and told him it will not hurt forever, he hated it. And still, he hates it now, with the fresh reminder in the back of his mind that it is a punishment. This is the gift given to sinners, and Nicolo has left many parts of himself behind, but not that one. 

“Nicolo, my heart,” Yusuf calls. He’s not in the river as Nicolo bathes, giving him the space he hasn’t had to ask for since the first time. Sinking into the water until only his shoulders and face peek over the surface. “Are you hurt?”

“Why would I be hurt?”

Yes, he is in pain, but it is something which has not hurt him, and cannot be rectified in the way scraped knees and broken wrists do on the streets of fallen Rome. It used to be great, and although it is rebuilding, there is doubt it can ever find its old glory. Nicolo understands Rome, he thinks, even if he got a mouthful of gravel and a foot heavy on the back of his head for reaching out to Yusuf’s calloused hand. 

“There is blood on your clothes.”

Yusuf holds up his robe, soaked through.

“It’s fresh. This is not from what they did on the streets.”

“Put it down.”

Of course, Yusuf listens, and then rinses his stained hands clean in the flowing river. “May I join you, my love?”

Like before, Nicolo should say no. He is unclean, unworthy, even as he bathes and wills it all to go away. Besides that, up close, he knows Yusuf will be able to see him, and that’s something he simply isn’t equipped to handle. Not today. Not this year. Maybe not this century. But Yusuf looks so worried and sad, so he nods, and turns his back to him. His back is more himself. It’s smooth and flat, has muscles in it that move and twitch like Yusuf’s do, like everyone’s do. He can pretend, if he only ever shows his back, save for the way Yusuf eventually reaches him and kisses his neck. He must be able to see now. Nicolo doesn’t want this to be the end when they’re just now building a beginning, but if this is over, he’d rather know.

“You should have told me,” Yusuf says gently. He kisses Nicky’s shoulder. “I would have understood.”

“How could you?”

He presses his body against Nicolo’s, close like they do in sleep, and holds him until it’s easy to relax in his embrace. Yusuf is still here. “You are right. My heart, my moon and stars, my soul, I cannot understand all that you must feel, but I can offer you my love.” When Nicolo turns his face, Yusuf steals his lips for a kiss. “Thank you for trusting me. And I am here, as long as you’ll have me.”

“This is unclean,” Nicolo tells him.

He gestures to the clothes left at the shore, cream and red fighting against each other, and remembers again the way it is. _Corsi_ , filthy and a punishment for his daring to be born. He must repent for it, but he doesn’t want to hate himself anymore. After a while it becomes exhausting, and he has already lived twice as long as his parents in this pain.

“No,” Yusuf corrects. He cradles Nicolo’s hips in his palms and noses at his jaw, still behind him to allow the privacy that he still needs. “It is not. This is natural, my heart, as much as every part of you is. I have heard, same as you, what they think in the church. But they do not dictate your body.” He squeezes Nicolo’s hip enough to feel it. “And they do not dictate your heart.” One of his hands moves to rest delicately against Nicolo’s breast bone, above the steady beat of it, but careful not to take more than is offered. “I am so sorry they made you feel that way, but it is not true. There is nothing unclean or unworthy about you, nor your body. You were made impossibly beautiful, Nicolo, and I am the most lucky man on Earth to be able to see you.”

“And if I do not want you to see me?”

Yusuf laughs and lets go of him to dramatically cover his eyes. “Then I will not look.” He’s smiling. “It is okay if you need more time, or all of the time we have ahead of us. To be by your side is enough.”

“But if I do? If I want you to see me?”

“My heart, my Nicolo, I would love nothing more.”

This is still so frightening, but Nicolo dares to cup Yusuf’s face and kiss him again, this time facing him. Not once does Yusuf pull him closer, as he normally would, all too aware of the change. They’ve never kissed with Nicolo’s body so exposed. While it remains frightening, it becomes so much more. He gains the courage to guide Yusuf’s hand to his body again. 

“Will you touch me? Even if I am unclean?”

“Always,” Yusuf promises.

And there, in the fresh river water, Nicolo is able to surrender himself to Yusuf in a way he never has before. It’s a beautiful thing, he thinks. And they have the rest of time to do it again and again.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @transnicolo


End file.
